I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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