also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
