y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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