suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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