it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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