I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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