So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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