If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
