I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
