areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
