I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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