im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
