We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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