my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
