Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
