This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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