Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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