Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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