apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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