you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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