i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
