this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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