and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
