Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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