I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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