I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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