why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
