someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Houston, we have a blender
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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