You're my little dorito
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
