I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
