proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
