i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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