hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
