Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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