Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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