i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
