I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
