Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
