don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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