I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
