I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
His hands were made for my vagina.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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