The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
