I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize