12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
