Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
