Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
