i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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