Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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