two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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