Don't make out with my wife yet
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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