i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
