Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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