In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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