So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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