She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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