You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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