just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
