The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
