dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize